Considering writing a memoir about a family member? Whether you’re crafting a biography about your grandfather’s life or honoring a fascinating ancestor, telling a compelling family story is no easy task.

You’ll step into the role of historian as you research the person’s background and the historical context in which they lived. You’ll become a confidante as you interview relatives and gather intimate details. And you’ll act as a skilled scribe, shaping a narrative that generations will cherish. Family storytelling sets a high bar.

In this blog, we offer insights into how to write a family biography that truly resonates. Here are 14 do’s and don’ts for writing a biography that remembers and honors a loved one — from the practical considerations to the emotional ones.

14 Do’s and Don’ts for Writing a Family Member’s Biography

1. Do Be Clear on What You Are Taking On

Writing about family history — and especially about a particular family member — is no easy task. It takes time to conduct research. It also takes time to interview people who knew the person, whether currently or before they passed away. Finally, it takes time to write the draft, edit it, and fact-check every detail. And if you decide to market the book to publishers, that’s a whole other undertaking.

As a rough estimate, unless the book is quite short, it will take about 200 hours for the organizer/writer. For people who really dive into it, especially with significant genealogy research and multiple family contributors, the process can approach 1,000 hours.

Before you commit to the project, have a frank conversation with relevant family members. Ask what they hope to see as the final outcome. Just as importantly, ask yourself why you want to take on the challenge.

Part of this process is managing expectations. Is the family hoping you’ll produce the next bestseller? Is that realistic? Avoid disappointments. Make sure everyone involved is on the same page (pun intended) and comfortable with the plan.

2. Do Understand Why You Want to Tell the Story

Writing a biography for someone else requires stepping into their shoes—not just when crafting the narrative, but from the very beginning. Think about who your subject would want as their audience. What would they want readers to know about them and their life?

Answering these questions will guide your writing. You’ll be better able to structure the book in a way that honors the intentions of the family.

If the person is deceased, consider how they would want their legacy portrayed. Also be mindful of the feelings of their close relatives. Be careful not to include anything that could offend them or damage existing relationships.

3. Do Prepare Family Members for Interviews and Tell Them What to Expect

Part of your research will involve interviewing family members. This phase goes much more smoothly when interviewees know what to expect. Let them know how to prepare, how long the interviews will take, and what types of questions you may ask.

Share estimated timelines with family members involved in the project. Try to outline how long the interview process will take, how long transcriptions may require, and how long it will take to produce a first draft.

Lastly, enlist other family members to help with research and collect photos. Making the book a collaborative project often yields richer results.

4. Do Find Ways to Put Family Members at Ease

People can get nervous before an interview, especially when speaking about someone they care about. They might worry they’ll say something wrong or become emotional. If the subject matter is sensitive, they may hesitate to talk.

Rachel Arterberry, a biographer with years of experience—including work with traumatic histories—suggests reassuring interviewees that everything is confidential. Let them know they can share anything, and it won’t go any further if they don’t want it to.

Another strategy Rachel finds useful is encouraging a relaxed frame of mind. As she puts it, “Some people want to share a story, but they’re so nervous about it. And I always say, just tell me your story like we’re having coffee.”

5. Do Tell Family Members That Some Subjects Could Be Triggering

Family members may become emotional when recounting difficult experiences. Rather than pressing them in the moment, Rachel suggests making a note to revisit the subject later when they feel calmer.

She also recommends preparing relatives ahead of time. Talking about a deceased or living family member can bring up strong emotions. Let them know it’s perfectly fine to take a break.

“It’s okay if we schedule an hour and only go half an hour,” Rachel tells them. “That’s just fine. And so what if they get emotional? That’s okay. But they also need to know that it may be triggering, and they should be prepared for that.”

6. Do Get Approval on the Style and Tone of Your Manuscript

Biographies come in many styles—serious or humorous, sophisticated or conversational. The tone and structure of your book matter.

Before you write the entire manuscript, ask for feedback from family members on your style. One helpful approach is to write two sample chapters and have them reviewed. Once everyone agrees on the tone, you can confidently write the remaining chapters, saving yourself revisions later.

7. Do Consider Hiring a Ghostwriter

If you decide the project is too large to take on alone, consider hiring a biography ghostwriter.

A ghostwriter from a reputable agency can provide a fresh, unbiased perspective that may be difficult for a family member to maintain. And if writing the story could strain family relationships, bringing in a neutral professional can help protect those bonds.

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The Don’ts of Writing a Family Biography

1. Don’t Do It Out of Pure Obligation

If you aren’t genuinely invested in the project and are only agreeing to write the story because you feel you “should,” that’s not a good reason. You’re unlikely to do the story justice, and you won’t enjoy the experience.

Savanna Cordova, a writer and editor experienced in life stories, advises strongly against taking on a biography out of obligation. In her interview for this blog, she said:

“I would strongly recommend against doing this out of obligation. If you are uninterested in family history, easily irritated by a family member, or you simply don’t have time for a project like this, you should spare yourself (and them) the grief of a frustrating collaboration.”

In this case, hiring a ghostwriter might be the wiser option.

2. Don’t Neglect Fact-Checking—or Overshare Sensitive Details

Be diligent with dates, names, and historical details. Fact-check everything with knowledgeable family members and perform thorough research.

Sensitive stories may uncover uncomfortable details involving relatives. Savanna recommends being extremely discerning about what you ask during interviews and what you include in the book.

“Put your ‘family member’ hat back on,” Savanna says. “You don’t want to risk your relationship by pressing them for private or difficult details, and you generally don’t want to portray them in an unflattering way—even if it would be more ‘honest.’”

3. Don’t Be Rigid About Interview Length

Be flexible about interview timing. Don’t insist on sticking to a rigid schedule, especially if your relative becomes emotional. They may only be able to talk for 15 minutes. They may need a pause.

As Rachel notes, “When a family member understands that it’s okay to cut short an interview, it takes off some of the pressure. They don’t feel like, ‘Oh my gosh, I can’t talk about this.’ Instead, take some space, and both of you can revisit the subject later. Give them room, but don’t make them feel bad either.”

4. Don’t Try to Limit Interviewees to One Topic or Time Period

Many people who have told the same story repeatedly know it so well that they stumble over their words trying to recount it in perfect order.

Rachel explains, “They know it so well inside and out that they stumble trying to get it all out in a particular order—from start to finish or from childhood to present day.”

People may naturally drift to other memories, especially older relatives who have a lifetime of stories to share.

Being rigid or insisting on strict chronology can hinder the memory process. Record your interviews, and later you can arrange the narrative into the structure that works best.

“Putting the narrative together later in a particular order is the easy part,” Rachel says. “The hard part is actually getting the information in the first place.”

5. Don’t Allow Your Own Biases to Shape the Narrative

Remaining objective is challenging when you share history with your subject. Try not to insert your own opinions, which can unintentionally shape the narrative. Stay neutral so you can tell the story from your relative’s perspective—not your own.

6. Don’t Assume You Won’t Get Emotional

Listening to details about a deceased or living family member may cause you to become emotional too.

Be prepared for that. It’s not a flaw—it’s a sign of genuine connection. And that authenticity can lead to a more powerful, heartfelt book.

7. Don’t Worry If There Are Gaps in the Narrative

If you discover gaps after the main interviews are complete, consider expanding your interview circle to friends or acquaintances who knew the person.

Multiple perspectives can enrich and round out the story. When appropriate, adding historical context can also provide depth and nuance.