Earning Trust While Recording Family Stories

Dear Mr. Higginbottom:

My grandmother has an incredible life story, but she refuses to talk about the hard parts. How do I honor her truth without pushing too hard?

—Walking on Eggshells

Dear Walking on Eggshells,

Your grandmother is lucky to have you in her life — someone fascinated by her story and equally concerned with respecting her feelings. Even so, I know this can be a tricky situation. You’ll be glad to know there are ways to work with her reticence.

First, the harsh truth: if this is your grandmother’s story, it’s ultimately up to her how much of it is shared with the world. It’s important to remember this as you begin, so you won’t feel like you’ve failed if she decides to hold back. That’s just the reality of the situation, and accepting it from the outset will reduce future frustration.

Your process (and maybe your success) will also likely depend on what exactly the “hard parts” are. Levels of comfort with sharing certain details tend to be shaped by generation. Older people often feel a stronger need to keep a stiff upper lip, so to speak, than younger generations. Topics like mental illness, poverty, or out-of-wedlock pregnancy might feel completely off-limits to her, even if they don’t seem like a big deal to you.

Once you’ve accepted these truths…

Make sure your grandmother is comfortable. I mean physically, yes—but more importantly, make sure she’s comfortable with your objectives. Are you creating a family keepsake or hoping for a Pulitzer Prize? Or somewhere in between? Whatever your goal, be clear with her so she knows what she’s getting herself into.

Another suggestion: take lots of breaks—or at least keep the option open. If you’re both in a groove, there’s no need to stop. But if you notice she’s getting tired or emotional, a break might be all it takes to get her back on track. Grab a snack, take a walk around the block, veg out in front of her favorite show. By the time you come back to your project, you’ll both have had a chance to clear your heads and refocus.

If your grandmother starts telling a story that seems to be heading in a painful direction, tread lightly and pay attention. Sometimes people just need the space to talk without being interrupted. At other times, those same people might benefit from a leading question or a more active listening approach. Only you can judge what she’ll need in each moment. Adapt your approach to her—her stories are more likely to flow that way.

If a particular topic becomes too much for her, take a detour. If talking about her father makes her too sad, ask about her siblings or the house she grew up in instead. Eventually, she may feel more comfortable and circle back to your original question. (And in the meantime, you’ll gain additional insight into her life.)

When the Interviews are Over

Give your grandmother the respect — and the right — to read any drafts before you send them to anyone else. Let her know she can veto any part of your work (though it’s fair to tell her you’d like to talk about those vetoes first). Keep her involved and informed throughout the process. For example, let her know who’s reading the draft and how people have responded to it. If your editor or publisher suggests major changes, check in with her before agreeing. (At the very least, let her know about the changes as soon as they happen.) Thank her in the acknowledgements. Commend her for the courage it took to share her story.

Bottom Line

The throughline here is respect. I’m glad your grandmother has such a compelling story, and I’m glad she has you to recognize it. Wanting to share her story — whether just with your cousins or with the world — is a gift to her, and I’m sure she knows that. But if she’s as hesitant as you say, recognize that it’s difficult for her, even if her reasons don’t make sense to you personally. Treat her the same way you would treat anyone doing something that scares them: with patience, gratitude, understanding, and empathy.

Good luck — and I can’t wait to read her story!

Warmly,
Your Fellow Storyteller,
Theodore W. F. Higginbottom