Telling the Truth in Memoir: Balancing Honesty with Mindfulness

Dear Torn Between,

The acclaimed memoirist Anne Lamott famously wrote, “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”

That said, the issue of honesty in your memoir is a tricky one. Writing a memoir means telling the truth—but whose truth? How honest should you be, especially when your story might hurt others or cast you in an unflattering light? How do you write about yourself and others with honesty, emotion, and integrity?

The short answer? Be honest, but be mindful, too. Here are some points to consider:

It’s your truth and your perspective. Memoir isn’t journalism. It’s a deeply personal reflection shaped by your memories, emotions, and point of view. You’re allowed to tell the story as you experienced it. Just remember that your version of events may differ from others’. That doesn’t make it wrong, but it’s worth noting.

Legal and ethical considerations. Telling the truth is important, but it doesn’t protect you from every liability. If you write about others, especially in a negative or damaging way, you could face legal issues such as defamation or invasion of privacy. This doesn’t mean you should self-censor, but it does mean you should be careful. If you’re unsure, consult a publishing attorney.

Why are you telling this story? Before you include something difficult or embarrassing—about yourself or someone else—ask why it matters. Is it essential to your growth or the story’s message? Or does it just feel like revenge or drama? Writing with the right intention helps even hard truths land a little more easily.

While it’s your experience, others are part of it. One of the hardest parts of writing a memoir is knowing some people might feel hurt or exposed. You’re telling your story, not theirs, but it’s a fine line. If you’re writing about family, friends, or partners, consider giving them a heads-up. You don’t need permission, but giving notice shows integrity and respect.

Consider changing the details. You can still be honest while protecting others’ privacy. It’s okay to change names, combine characters, or tweak small details that don’t affect the essence of the story. This lets you preserve the emotional truth without putting a spotlight on people who didn’t ask for it.

Enlist a beta reader. Before you publish, have someone you trust read your manuscript—preferably someone with writing or editing experience. They can help you spot areas that may be too harsh, too vague, or too risky. If you’re writing about sensitive people or situations, consider also getting a lawyer’s input.

Expect some fallout. Not everyone will like how they’re portrayed. Some may disagree with your version of events or feel betrayed. That’s a risk with any honest storytelling. Be prepared for difficult conversations and maybe some distancing. But keep in mind you can only control your words and your intentions, not other people’s reactions.

Your story matters — and so does how you tell it. At the end of the day, your memoir is yours. Tell your story honestly, but be mindful of its potential impact. You don’t have to share every single detail to make your point. Memoir writing is about transformation, not revenge. Write your truth — but care for yourself and others in the process.

For a deeper dive, here’s some further reading on memoir ethics.

Happy writing!