You’ve been contemplating writing down your family’s history. It began with a little genealogy research and before you knew it, you were neck deep in old photos, letters, and keepsakes.
But then you stumbled on something that changed everything: a box of love letters that your great grandfather wrote while he was deployed overseas during World War I.
The kicker? These letters are not to your great grandmother, his wife, but to someone else.
Who is this woman? What are the implications of this discovery? If you were to include this in your family history, how should you go about it? Should it be included at all?
This is a crucial part of your family story, but it may upset some people in a big way. With this discovery comes the question that every family historian eventually faces: How do you tell hard truths without causing harm?
It’s all about balancing honesty with compassion — preserving the truth while also protecting the people who lived it.
Why Sensitive Subject Writing Matters
Just about any family history will have parts that get a little messy. Trauma, addiction, infidelity, or abuse show up in nearly every family tree. Writing about such subjects is a tightrope walk between historical accuracy and human impact.
If handled carelessly, these stories can retraumatize those involved or even shatter family bonds.
Jennifer Rizzo, a genealogist and ghostwriter with The Writers For Hire, has this advice:
“Start by remembering that this is your story to tell — but it may touch the lives of others. Be thoughtful about how much detail to include, especially about living relatives, and have conversations with them when possible. Don’t feel pressured to include everything — sometimes silence or gentler phrasing can speak just as powerfully. And most importantly, write from a place of respect. Truth doesn’t have to be harsh; it can be written with compassion and care.”
Sometimes the most difficult stories to tell can be the most important. They can validate survivors’ experiences, preserve authentic history, and even foster empathy across generations. They can bring the why to the events in a family’s past.
3 Core Principles for Ethical Nonfiction
So what does it take to tell a family history with accuracy and compassion? Keep these three core principles in mind as you research and write:
1. Prioritize consent and agency:
Whenever possible, seek permission from those whose stories you are telling. This may mean asking a living relative if it’s okay to include some sensitive detail or discussing whether anonymity or pseudonyms would be appropriate.
By doing this, you are not only showing your respect for those involved, but you are also adding a legal safeguard for yourself.
Rizzo uses this process for her clients:
“Sometimes the detail is accurate but risks causing unnecessary harm, especially if it involves someone still living. In those cases, the client and I might agree to omit or anonymize it. What guides me is two-fold: the client’s wishes and the potential effect on their family. My goal is never to sensationalize, but to tell the story in a way that honors truth without creating avoidable wounds.”
2. Commit to Truth With Integrity:
Verifying facts is essential. Do your best to confirm information through multiple sources. No matter how dramatic the story is, avoid sensationalism.
If memories conflict or there are gaps in the record, don’t try to bury them — acknowledge them openly instead. That kind of transparency builds readers’ trust.
3. Center Compassion in Every Decision:
With every detail that emerges, ask yourself: Does this serve understanding in the story, or does it simply shock? Your words can carry significant emotional weight for both your audience and the people you portray.
This doesn’t mean avoiding difficult truths, but rather telling them in a way that fosters connection rather than alienation.
“I uncover a lot in research,” says Rizzo, “some of it inspiring, some of it painful. When sensitive topics surface, I sit down with my client and ask them how they’d like to handle the information. My role is to present the facts and help them weigh the potential impact. If it involves living family members, I strongly encourage them to talk with those people before publishing anything. At the end of the day, I follow my client’s lead, but I always advocate for a thoughtful balance between honesty and compassion.”
Techniques for Empathetic Storytelling
How you write a story is just as important as what you’re writing.
When it comes to sensitive topics in a family history, there some simple ways to ensure the people and events you reference come across the right way.
- Provide context. Help your readers understand the full picture. For example, if you need to touch on a mental health topic, include insight into the stigma or resources for help available in that era.
- Use clear, respectful language. Avoid loaded words that may ignite the wrong reaction. Choose simple, accurate phrasing that humanizes your subjects.
- Include multiple perspectives. Incorporating different voices adds depth and acknowledges complexity.
“Compassion, for me, comes through tone and context. I avoid judgmental language and focus on presenting facts clearly and respectfully. I also remind myself — and my clients — that every person has a larger story than just their struggles. Placing difficult experiences within the broader context of someone’s life helps ensure that they’re remembered as a whole person, not just their trauma,” says Rizzo.
A Challenge Worth Taking On
Writing a family history or memoir of a loved one can be an overwhelming challenge, especially when difficult truths come to light. It takes courage to undertake such a task. You’re not just recording facts — you’re acting as a steward of your family’s legacy.
A family history memoir can be a daunting and emotionally exhausting.
If you’re taking on a project like this, consider seeking help from an experienced writer or editor.
Your family’s history is a story that deserves to be told.
By approaching it with a combination of boldness and compassion, you can cover both the good and the not-so-good parts in a way that honors the people behind them.
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