Dear Mr. Higgonbottom,
I want to write a family history, but no one can agree on what actually happened. What do I do when memories conflict?
— Fact-Checking the Family Feud
Dear Fact-Checking the Family Feud,
Welcome to the beautiful, complicated world of writing family history — where everyone remembers things a little differently, and sometimes the only thing they agree on is that you should be the one to sort it all out.
Here’s the first thing to remember: conflicting memories aren’t a failure of your project — they’re part of the story.
Memory isn’t a filing cabinet; it’s more like a scrapbook, shaped by emotion, perspective, and time. Aunt Carol may insist the barn burned down in ’62, while Uncle Joe swears it was a shed and it happened in ’64. Rather than choosing sides, honor the difference. You can write: “According to Carol, it was the barn in 1962. Joe remembers it as a shed, lost in 1964.”
That tension doesn’t weaken the story — it adds richness, nuance, and authenticity.
Of course, there are facts you can verify. Genealogy websites like Ancestry, FamilySearch, or MyHeritage can help confirm birth dates, marriage records, immigration documents, and more.
These are especially helpful for resolving basic questions — Was Grandpa really born in Canada? Did Great-Aunt Lila marry twice or three times?
Just be cautious: even official records can contain errors or conflicting info, so cross-reference when you can.
Ultimately, your job isn’t to be the final judge of who’s right. It’s to gather, preserve, and present what’s been remembered, recorded, and retold — warts and all.
If someone feels misrepresented, offer them space to share their version. You’re not erasing the contradictions — you’re embracing them as part of the family legacy.
Write with curiosity, not a gavel.
